Baby Ao has been very fussy lately. I went to a Mums & Babies yoga class today, and barely got to do any yoga because after the first 15 minutes of good behaviour, the Little Bug started to fussing, so I tried soothing him, then feeding him, to no avail. Each time he calmed down, I would put him down and try to resume my practice, but he would scrunch up his face and start crying soon after, stopping only once I picked him up and carried him.

In this case, I don’t think he’s being a brat. I think it’s a development thing, since he’s usually calmer. And besides, I remember during my Baby Massage course, Baby Ao was the quickest to fuss in the first 3 weeks, when he was ~6-8 weeks, whereas the other older babies were generally much calmer; on the other hand, in the last week, when he was ~9 weeks, he was alert but calm and quiet throughout the class, while every other baby in class – most of whom were 12-14 weeks – were quite fussy throughout the class. To me, this clearly suggests that this is developmental pattern / phase.

And so, I try not to be too cross with the Little Bug, or beat myself up about being a rubbish mum. I tell myself to be patient – this will pass. But it’s still stressful and annoying when he keeps wailing because he wants to be carried all the time.

I often feel conflicted – between: on one hand, wanting my little boy to grow up a bit more, so that he’ll be less fussy, so that I no longer need to breastfeed him and and undergo all the trouble that entails – leaky boobs, stress over uneven supply, upset over his boob preference or rejection; and on the other hand, knowing that once he grows up a bit more, I’ll miss his tinyness, the feeling that he’s absolutely reliant on me, and the feeling of connectedness when he latches onto my boob, kneads them as he drinks, and finally pulls away with a contented, milk drunk expression on his face.

As it is, my baby seems so much sturdier now, and often reminds of a tiny little adult. And I almost already miss the time when he was even tinier (except not really, because I still remember the sleep deprivation and exhaustion). Several weeks ago, when the Little Bug was just 2 months’ old, I asked The Boy if I should wean the Little Bug off his pacifier. The Boy said: “Oh no…Why? Il est tout petit (he is so small)!” I thought of weaning him off his pacifier because he’s at once both a serious and very expressive baby, that he seems much older than 2 months to me. In fact, I often think of him as a fully rational and capable human being, just squeezed into a small, cute package, and hence, I think it’s absurd for such a intellectual, mature-seeming baby to have a pacifier in his mouth.

I feel conflicted between wanting to return to work (for my sanity, to improve our finances) and wanting to watch my baby grow up in his early days. I went for my first job interview since the baby was born this Tuesday. One of my friends asked if I was planning to take a year off work to look after the baby, and seemed surprised when I told her I already had a job interview lined up. It seems too soon, when we have sufficient financial stability for me to spend a year out of work. But because I’m not a naturally maternal sort, I would enjoy the baby more if I didn’t have to spend 100% of my time with the baby, and 90% of that without support, and support (whether it be nursery, part-time nanny, or baby activities) costs money.

I know I should cherish and treasure every moment. Savour the present… the sweet flavours as well as the bitter/spicy ones, because he’ll never be so small again. But I often find it difficult to unreservedly enjoy the moment when he cries and frustrates me. I’ll have to remind myself every day, as The Boy so often does*.

 

*Although it’s easier to enjoy the baby when you only spend 1-2 waking hours with it, instead of 24 hours.