[Note: Happened in December 2016; written up after the fact & publication back-dated]

I had a “Tiger Mum” moment recently, over Big Boy’s nursery nativity play.

Big Boy was initially cast as a king in his nursery’s nativity play, which is a speaking role (it had one line or something – it’s a nursery play after all), but he told his teacher that he didn’t want to do it because he didn’t want to speak (he’s shy). So he ended up being cast as a sheep instead, which is a role he already played last year when he was 2 (it consists of being dressed as a sheep, and singing along to the songs, which all the children are supposed to do anyway). When he was 2, I was really pleased with his ‘performance’ in the sheep role, because he didn’t cry and he stayed on stage instead of running to us, which many of his peers did. So, as a 2 year old, given the bargain basement expectations, the non-speaking sheep role was perfect for him. But one whole year later, given that he had already ‘aced’ the sheep role before, it was ridiculous for him to be cast as a non-speaking sheep again.

On one hand, I was really annoyed at the nursery for not letting the Boy or I know before recasting him, because it’s their role to challenge him, and if they failed to persuade him to rise to the challenge, then they should have raised it with us so we can psych him into doing the role, instead of just folding like a poor poker player with a weak hand, pandering to his fears, and letting him play a sheep along with the younger babies in the nursery.

On the other hand, I was also really furious at Big Boy for rejecting the role because he was scared. If he had told me he wants to play a sheep because he likes eating mutton, or some other good reason, I would probably have accepted it. But to reject a role out of fear, when he in the older group of children in the nursery?! I refused to accept that, and I told him that we would talk to the nursery to recast him in a speaking role, and he should take it, because otherwise, we wouldn’t attend his play at all (he was upset at this, as he wanted us to attend).

I thought my tone and attitude was a bit harsh, and completely against the principles of “Unconditional Parenting”, a book by Alfie Kohn, which I had read and which principles I intended to apply. But this reminded me of the passage in Amy Chua’s Battle Hymm of the Tiger Mother, where she rejected her daughter’s birthday card because she didn’t put any effort into it. And so, even though I felt bad for rejecting him, I told Big Boy that he needs to make an effort to try new things, and confront his fears. I don’t think I’m being excessively “tiger” or “helicopter” – I’m not pushing for him to have a leading role, just a speaking role.

I was quite conflicted over our actions (the Boy and I) because on one hand, I didn’t want Big Boy to feel rejected and hurt, and abandoned. On the other hand, we just *could not* accept his self-defeating, fearful attitude. The Boy and I don’t have firm expectations of our sons in terms of tangible achievements – attending certain schools, liking certain things, taking a certain path (hopes and aspirations yes, but not expectations), but we do have expectations of them in terms of their attitudes and approach to life. And one of things that is important to us, is that our boys challenge themselves, try to step out of their comfort zone. They should be courageous, be willing to try new things. Most fundamentally, this expectation is set with food – he has to try every food we give him at each meal before rejecting it (and we often present the same food repeatedly over time), and also extends to other areas of life, like challenging himself to taller slides, more difficult obstacle courses at playgrounds, visiting new places, trying new activities. And in this case, taking a speaking role.

Because of the conflict I felt, I spoke to several friends about my dilemma. One of my friends thought I was too harsh, but most of them thought I did the right thing.

Eventually, Big Boy was recast as a shepherd. He had two lines: “Let’s go quickly!” and “What a beautiful baby!”. In the week before the play, we practiced his lines a couple of times daily by saying them together loudly with very exaggerated accompanying gestures – often while walking to/from nursery. Sometimes the Boy would joke around and say: “Or you can say ‘what an ugly baby!'”, which made Big Boy laugh. I rather disagreed with this approach in case Big Boy actually says that during the performance. In addition to daily practice, which we kept fun and light hearted, we also bribed him with a visit to a ‘dinosaur park’ (which was just some permanent dinosaur exhibits at Crystal Palace Park, which we were planning to visit anyway).

During the 2 performances of the nativity play, Big Boy did well, compared to the other 2 shepherds, and also to the 3 kings. The stars of the show, which were 2 girls acting as actual stars, were very very good, and clearly a notch above all the other kids. In the first performance, he didn’t manage to say “Let’s go quickly” because the teacher-narrator accidentally said that line. But he said “What a beautiful baby”, albeit very softly (I don’t think anyone in the audience could hear him, but his mouth moved), and he even did the Macaulay Culkin hands-to-cheek gesture that we taught him. One of the other shepherds (DQ) had ran off stage to hang out with his parents, while the other one (L) just sulked and didn’t say any of his lines because his parents didn’t attend the performance. That night, we praised Big Boy’s performance and asked him to be even louder with bigger gestures the next day. In his second performance, Big Boy managed to say both lines, with gestures, very marginally louder than before. This time it was shepherd DQ’s turn to sulk because his parents didn’t attend. Shepherd L was loud and enthusiastic in his singing, because his parents were there, but he didn’t say his actual lines. So overall, I think Big Boy was the best shepherd, even if he didn’t really participate in the general singing.

After both performances ended, the Boy and I asked if he enjoyed the play, and he said he did. And we asked him that if he had to be in the play again in future, and couldn’t be the shepherd, what role he would prefer to be, and he said “star” (the main roles).

I was really happy about that, because our decision to push Big Boy had been vindicated. I feel like parenting is a tightrope that is often so difficult to navigate, with a lot of self-doubt about whether your actions are right or wrong. In this case, on one hand, I didn’t want to mentally scar Big Boy for life. On the other hand, I think early years are important because the expectations and thresholds for success are low, and the confidence boost a kid gains from having done something, or having been perceived to have been successful at something, is likely to help the kid to enjoy doing something more, and strive to greater achievements in future.

To quote Amy Chua from Battle Hymm of the Tiger Mother:

Nothing is fun until you’re good at it.

Western parents worry a lot about their children’s self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child’s self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there’s nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn’t.