I know I have a peculiar tendency to periodic bouts of monomania and depressiveness (not necessarily correlated / linked), and they come and go – some times in shorter cycles, others in longer cycles.
My latest cycle has lasted a while now, and I’m not 100% sure of the root cause. My approach so far has variously been to: i) box it up, ii) unbox it but ignore it, iii) experiment to see what might be the underlying root causes (still in progress), iv) distract myself (underway)…
On the experimentation front, I’m trying to change each lever to test my reaction / response. By the nature of life and the world, it takes time, and even more time now under current pandemic conditions.
On the experiment / distraction front, I have been:
- Exercising like a maniac (by my standards…), and have lost ~6kg since the beginning of 2020 (I’m now setting a goal to lose another 1-2 kg, to hit my 18 year old weight… just to give me something to work towards that is fully within my control.)
- Working like a maniac. My days are really long – on average 8:30am-12:30-am – with brief breaks for kid time / dinner
- Connecting with people (I’ve had a few calls with friends I haven’t spoken to for a while. I feel better after the conversations, and don’t know why I don’t do them more often..)
- I’ve taken time off this week, and fully disconnected from office – to avoid burn-out, and in this time, I have:
- Done a lot of reading (trashy novels, finished the Faye Kellerman murder / mystery, started re-reading Wheel of Time)
- Done some tidying and lots of household chores (by my standard)
- Retail therapy (haha – clothes, kitchen and household items, garden tools)
- Cooked a lot – extracted pandan juice from pandan leaves to make kuih talam, cooked corn bread
- Done some gardening – did some weeding, composting, regrowing oxalis triangularis (“false shamrock”) indoors, with the aim of transplanting externally, currently doing research into more plants
- Practicing violin – I’m catching up on violin practice, and can finally play Dvorak’s Humoresque! 🙂 (this was only my mental new year’s resolution list for 2021, and it’s good to have ticked it off)
- Write a bit (this post! But I suppose I need to make it a regular habit, just to get out of my head)
- Started to do some career stuff again – applying for roles, reaching out, reading / research – part of my experiment process, to see if leaving my company would help with my funk
After my break, I really to need to try to bring some more balance into my life – for distraction, I can’t work myself to death. That is not a productive, long term solution. I will need to try to create more balance between day job, home life, personal life, and future career and life planning.
Upcoming projects include:
- Home reorganization and home improvement, which might help lift me from funk
- Travel, again – might help?
- I’m also thinking of escaping. Maybe leaving the country… I don’t know. My thoughts are just jumping all over the place. For someone who does a lot of strategy for my work, I seem to be more reactive than strategic in my life at the moment. I want to just get rid of the “mean reds”.
I am, I am, I am.
[written 9 April, published after the fact]