I don’t often have the presence of mind and opportunity to impart important life lessons to the boys in the midst of the daily grind – between my work frustrations, personal struggles, and the never-ending logistics and minutiae of daily life – I’m often short, and snappy with them. Instead of taking their ‘misbehaviour’ (really, often it is just behaving in way that is not to my preference and expectations) as opportunities to engage and discuss, my response is to snap at them, which often results in rapid escalations.

In other words, I behave more like my dad – my authoritarian parent, whose response to my every “why?” (and I asked why a lot!), and every smart aleck comment, was often either: (i) “Because I’m your dad”, or (ii) “Because I’m more experienced than you – I’ve had more salt than you’ve had rice” – rather than my mom, who tends to take the time to reason with me, to explain her perspective.

And I’ve always had a lot of issues with my dad – I never thought he was a particularly good parent. He has always done his best, within his own mental and attitudinal constraints, but it never really worked for me. I didn’t think he was a great parent / role model. Whereas I’ve always admired my mom, and felt she was a good role model, despite her having worked abroad for many years of my childhood and adolescence.

Today, having slept >8 hours (a rare occurrence!) and being in France at my parents in law (no real responsibilities), I had the presence of mind to engage with Big Boy-O twice to share my perspective, and what I hope are life lessons which will resonate with him over time (and with a lot of repetition!). The overall ‘lessons’ (but with nuances) are: (i) aim high / “go for gold”, (ii) be resilient, have the mental fortitude to persevere in adverse conditions and don’t give up easily / have a winner’s mentality.

First was while we were practicing violin. On 26 November, he took his Trinity Grade 4 Violin Music Exam. I received a provisional copy of his results last week, but never got around to sharing them with him. I did so today. He scored 83 / 100, a “strong Merit”, in the words of his teacher. I sat down with him, and read out his examiner’s comments on his pieces (Passamezzo, El Choclo, and Take Give), technical work (scales and arpeggios), sight reading, and aural. I explained the comments and feedback and how he was *this* close to getting Distinction, if only he had been more focussed in his practice, instead of being unwilling, argumentative about it – at home, and in violin lessons.

I was very very clear with him that Merit was a perfectly good achievement, especially since this was his first ever Trinity violin exam. But I also said that I was slightly disappointed he didn’t get Distinction – I was hoping he would get Distinction – only because I know… I *know*… deep in my *bones*… that Distinction was WELL within his capability, with just a little bit more effort and focus in the 2-3 weeks in the run up to the exam. Because the examiner’s comments were full of: “mostly” (e.g. mostly came across with conviction, mostly centred intonation, mostly in place), and “occasional lapses”, or “momentary blemishes”. And I had been very very reasonable in my approach to practicing – I took 2 weeks’ break from violin when we went to Egypt / Sudan for holiday (from 22 Oct-6 Nov), and never became extreme with violin practice in the run-up to the exam – I just focussed on the Trinity songs (and usually only 1-3x per song per day), paused most of his Suzuki practice, and didn’t practice the night before the exam.

He said: “Well, I was aiming for Merit anyway, so I’m happy. You know I did the best I could.”

And I quoted the Chief Revenue Officer of my company to him: “You don’t win Silver. You lose Gold. You didn’t get Merit. You lost Distinction.”

I said that, ultimately, the exam isn’t really important in the grand scheme of things. There is literally no impact. And I would love him the same anyway. And I know that he did his best during the day of the exam. But he did not do his best in the run-up to the exam. Because if he had only focussed during his practice, instead of arguing with me every time I shared feedback on his playing, e.g. insisting that his rhythm was right (when it wasn’t), refusing to practice more slowly to get his technique right (he prefers rushing through the songs to get practice over and done with), then I’m sure he would have *easily* gotten a Distinction. He is a bit too relaxed and over-confident.

And I also said, you don’t *aim* for Merit. You should always aim for Distinction (at least in this case, because he could have gotten it, relatively easily). I explained to him the intention and meaning a famous saying: “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” But I also commented, as an aside: ‘Yeah I know it doesn’t make a lot of sense, because the moon is way closer to us than even the nearest star’, and we had a giggle about it together. But I hope he remembers the key takeaway: always aim high.

The second ‘life lesson’ discussion happened during the 2022 FIFA World Cup Final between France and Argentina, and resulted in me getting a kick in the chest (!). We were watching the match, all in our French jerseys. Right before half time (around 38 minutes in), Argentina was up 2:0 against France. I have to say, France were playing very poorly until then. And the French team really did let the second goal in, because the defence were just absent from their positions. We had been having a bit of a discussion around the importance of players knowing their roles and staying at their position (within limits) in team sports. And after the second goal, I commented that this is an example / indicator of when things go poorly when players do “n’importe quoi” (whatever) without being responsible and playing in their position. (This again, very much reminds me of things that are going on at my work place, which is probably why I found this particularly topical and ‘lectured’ poor Big Boy-O somewhat).

Anyway, at 38 minutes or so, I turned around to speak to him, and saw him in tears. I was really surprised, and said: “Come now, don’t give up! We are not even at half time yet. This is not how elite players think. They don’t give up when it’s not even half way through the game yet. They fight on. You need to mentally resilient and strong. You can’t just GIVE UP. You need to fight on!”

He got grumpy and kicked me. Because he was on a lounger, and I was sitting on the floor in front of him, his foot hit my in the chest. I was, naturally, very angry. This was just absolutely not acceptable.

Anyway, eventually, in a very very dramatic game, France fought back valiantly in the second half, and the match ended at 2:2 in normal game time, 3:3 after extra time, and ending in a French loss after penalties.

I was really really glad that the French team fought back so well, which really supported my coaching (I’m sure he considers it a lecture / provocation). It would have been even better if they won overall. (I couldn’t bear Messi’s arrogant, time-wasting victory celebration when Argentina were up 3:2 in extra time with 5-10 minutes left to go, after a whole series of Argentine acting / rolling on floor, and fouling. Arrogant piece of shit. Eventually, France equalised after a shitty handball by Argentina – what is it with these Argentines?!!!)

Nonetheless, I hope Big Boy-O retains the lesson that at elite levels, or in high stakes situations, it is really crucial to be resilient and to fight. To have a winner’s mentality. Life is full of ups and downs. He cannot give up at the first sign of adversity.