There was some tension at the dinner table tonight during New Year’s Eve dinner between the Boy and his dad. Basically, the Boy was trying to teach / tell his niece, a 3 year old little girl, that she cannot take food from a common plate, and then put it back onto the common plate. He said it in a nice, jokey way, but her face crumpled and she started crying. I was stunned. Because this was so mild, it means that she must never be criticised ever in her life. Or otherwise, she was just being manipulative, and she has learnt that whenever she turns on the waterworks, she gets her way. The Boy’s dad told him off for being too stern to a little girl, which was, I thought… really not the case. I fully agreed with the Boy, and thought he was, net nice, trying to teach the kids good table manners and etiquette – apart from it being a hygiene issue as well, in the post-COVID days!

Additionally, the Big Boy-O and Baby-F got on the Boy’s nerves, so he put the kids to bed at the usual time instead of letting them stay up late for New Year’s Eve. After some tears, yelling, sulks, and apparently a long talk, the boys asked for me to go up to give them a goodnight kiss, even though I had already given them one before.

I had a chat with them about what was on their mind. Notes below from what I recall of the meandering conversation:

• They noted that Papa had already broken his New Year’s Resolution of not hitting them and calling them names / insulting name (which I noted as well, and acknowledged as such. Sharp kids! Although not technically new year yet..)
  • I explained that what they considered ‘hitting’ was really nothing at all in comparison with what I experienced with my dad! I shared anecdotes of how he used to hit me with a wooden ruler and chase me around the house with it, and once he hit me so hard that the wooden ruler snapped into two! And another time, he dragged me by my arm so hard that I got a fracture in the arm and had to be sent to the hospital!
  • I also explained that Papa is a bit stressed now, so they should be kind and forgiving, and just remember that he loves them very much.
• Big Boy-O said he thinks Papa likes (loves) Baby-F more; Baby-F, who was also sulking and cross with Papa, said he thinks Papa doesn’t like anyone. Both boys thought Mama likes Big Boy-O more
  • In support of his assertion that Papa likes Baby-F more, Big Boy-O said that Papa often accuses him / scolds him whenever he and Baby-F get into fights, even though he never witnessed anything. Here, Baby-F very observantly and astutely chimed in that “it is because [O] is bigger!”
  • I explained to both kids that I love them both equally. But, I might look like I love O more, because I noticed this phenomenon that [O] mentioned, and think Papa is bit harsher and stricter with him, and so I tend to jump to his defence and side him. I also explained that Papa himself was an older child / oldest son, and his dad had higher expectations of him (and made reference to the brief flare of tension at the dinner table, and another anecdote he mentioned), and so he just repeated the same pattern of behaviour on his own children.
  • I also said that because I was an only child, I never had this experience, so I don’t have any behaviour patterns linked to expectations for older and younger children, and I had no frame of reference / understanding of how and why these two kids would feel jealous of each other and / or why they fought so much. I told him how I was so lonely I had imaginary friends (!), and I really wished I had a brother or sister, to play with, and completely don’t understand why they keep fighting! But also, the good thing about being an only child is that I knew 100% that my parents loved me, and never had to worry if they loved another sibling more.
• They said it’s unfair that we are so strict with them, while their cousin’s parents are much more relaxed and ‘laxist’ with them
  • I said that honestly, their cousins’ parents choose how they parent their kids, and it’s none of my business. But certainly, if they were my kids or our kids, we would be a lot stricter with them. And that is because we believe that certain rules and behaviours are better
  • I explained that Papa tried to intervene and teach one of their cousin better table manners, but the [stupid] little girl cried, and his dad told him off for being too stern with a little girl (she’s 3 years old). (Personally, I was really shocked she cried. I almost made an offhand snide remark that she must clearly not be used to *any* criticism at all, because she’s just so fucking over-sensitive. I suppose, given Papy’s reaction to the Boy’s telling off, it’s good that I hadn’t had the chance to make my remark yet)
  • And I added that it really didn’t help Papa’s case that, right after he tried to teach their little cousin better manners, Baby-F completely undermined him by behaving like a barbarian and jumping on the food that Mamie just brought in, as if he’s been starved for 10 years.
  • Even when I was young, I disagreed with a lot of what my parents said, and thought it was unfair. But Papa and I, we set the rules we do, and make the decisions we do because we believe this is what is best for them. Our intentions are for the best, and I just want them to remember and know that.