This Monday morning (9th Jan) was my boss’s first official day back at work after the holiday season. I say it’s his first official day back at work because I don’t he took any real time off, even though he took vacation days. I don’t think he emailed or Slacked me between 25th Dec to 31st Dec. But he emailed me on Sunday, 1st Jan, with nary a “Happy New Year”: “Did this get finalised? Final version?”

I mentioned it with an 🙄 to a colleague and friend and said: “Haha, good thing I kind of like him / rate him”

Anyway, so during our leadership team call on Monday, my boss asked his two remaining direct reports (one other guy and me, because he made his other two direct reports redundant recently) how our holidays were. My peer droned on about his holiday. I didn’t say much and just listened, but I could see my boss looking across both of us, even if it’s on screen, and probably slightly wondering why I didn’t say much.

In our 1:1 meeting afterwards, I launched into my long list of to dos, updates and questions, before he really got a chance to do the social chit chat. But towards the end of our call, he asked me how I was, how I’m feeling. I was really depressed and down, but was holding everything in check, and I thought quite successfully. I had arranged my face into a mask – what I thought was a serious, professional, and stoic mask. So I just said: “I’m okay”

An expression flitted across his face, he furrowed his brow slightly, and he gave me a look. And then when I stayed silent, he tilted his head in the way he sometimes does, and said: “Okay”, with the hint of an invisible sigh and shrug, like he was slightly disappointed in me that I wasn’t transparent and open with him. And I said slightly tersely: “I’m just tired. And I’ve some personal crap going on.” And I just managed to blink away the tears that just pricked my eyes, paper over the cracks in my facade, and just about managed to hold it together before ending the call.

I suppose I was.. surprised… impressed… and slightly touched… that my ‘new’ ‘boss’ (my third in 12 months) could read me so well. Despite working together for a relatively short period of time (although I suppose it has been five months since he joined on 15th July, one day before I turned 40), and remotely – we’ve only met in person maybe 3 times? – he has cared enough and been observant enough to ‘learn’ me. He has previously made a few astute observations about me. And he has developed some level of telepathy and could read my expression over google meets. Or maybe I was less stoic, and more transparent / emotionally leaky, than I realise.

I do like working with, for him. At least so far.

Although today he annoyed me by saying that one piece of feedback for me is that I need to improve my executive presence. He said that sometimes I have a good poker face. But from time to time, I crack, and I need to work on that. I asked him what he meant by cracking – is it with him, or others. He said, it’s more with him.

And I sighed and inwardly rolled my eyes and said: “Well, that’s because it’s you”. He can’t very well feel slightly disappointed that I’m not open and transparent with him, but then also say that me being my relatively authentic self with him, is “cracking”. He said: “You need to have a poker face with the other executive team, with investors etc.”

Again, I was slightly irate. If he wasn’t clearly suffering from a colossal headache and feeling worn down, and I would have snapped at him: “Well, you haven’t seen me in action, holding the fort and being very poker faced during our fundraise, and since then with our investors, despite our constant underperformance over the last few months. And me KNOWING that there was NO WAY IN HELL, we were going to make our numbers too”. Arrggggghh. I feel like strangling him sometimes.

And if he only knew the half of what’s going on in my personal life now. And over the past few months and years. He should give me a fucking medal and promote me already, if that is his main concern about my suitability as a candidate for promotion.