So I asked the boys this morning to rate my shoutyness on a scale of 1 – 10 (where 1 is not shouty at all, and 10 is maximum shouty) – pre-divorce, last year, and this year. F said that pre-divorce I was a 2, last year I was at 8, and this year I’m at 6. O said that pre-divorce I was a 4, last year I was at 8, and this year 6. So a noticeable, but not dramatic improvement.

Whereas I think surely I must’ve improved a lot more?! Given how my condition last year vs this year? Maybe because sometimes my frustration last year was expressed as crying rather than shoutyness?

Looking at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, last year I was definitely low on some biological / physiological needs (namely sleep). I’m working on increasing my sleep volume and consistently this year, and I think I’m making some headway, although I wouldn’t say I’m getting an optimal amount of sleep yet. I’ve had slightly less sleep the beginning of this week (more in line with my sleep volume last year), and boy, am I feeling it!

I definitely didn’t feel safe last year – psychologically, financially, health-wise. Not at work (with TF having left, the usual backstabbing, end of year M&A situation), not with the financial settlement discussions, not with my neighbour’s intimidation, and not with the flea infestation.

On love & belonging – it was definitely good for my soul to have the support of long time friends (SY, HV, SW), be more connected with my gym group. But I had a weird hiccough / drama / attack from one of the gym group, and for most of the year I felt the burden, stress and guilt from keeping the secret from family, and worrying about how they would react to the news. And no intimacy.

Without the lower level needs being met, it is difficult to pursue the higher level needs. Although getting into Hyrox (almost accidentally), did help with a feeling of accomplishment and self esteem, which was good for me.

This year, I’m trying to work on fulfilling my biological / physiological needs by sleeping more. I still don’t feel entirely safe, primarily because of work. But in a way, that’s a bit par for the course, and at least I am actively looking. So I feel like I have some level of control and am taking action to influence my destiny. And compared to last year, I have fewer problems besieging me. On love & belonging, at least I’ve told my family about the divorce, and my mum has been largely supportive. Although she tries on my dad’s behalf to indirectly pressure me to go back, it hasn’t been as bad as I feared. I’m feeling less connected to the gym group this year, a large part because of some events / facts, and my subsequent feelings and reflections. But MHH has been super kind and supportive, and at least there’s been a bit of a detente with the problematic gym group person – but who knows how long that will last given how volatile he is. I’m spending more time with a long time junior / friend, CJ, who is about to undergo a divorce. And I’m trying to meet new people, as this is supposed to be a good year for relationships, especially romantic relationships. For now I am still doing Hyroxes, as it is still a good focal point for my energies, and I think there are still ‘easy wins’ for me to progressively improve, and it is good for my health and fitness anyway.