It’s weird… after just a few days in the Middle East with its general separation between men and women, and sexist attitude, it feels a bit awkward to sit next to a man, as I did while waiting to board my flight at Manama airport, and then on my flight from Manama to Abu Dhabi. It’s kind of scary how quickly one subconsciously habituates to the prevailing norms.

I’m not sure I can clearly pinpoint exactly why I feel so uncomfortable with the Middle East. Or maybe Dubai / rich Gulf cities. There are just many reasons – entitlement, materialistic society, obvious social stratification, and culturally sexist attitudes. I think another reason is also that as a Southeast Asian woman, I would be mis-perceived and not really be ‘seen’ for who I am.

Many years ago, I was in Dubai with colleagues and we went out clubbing. There were quite a few Southeast Asian women hanging around in the club, who looked like they might be ‘professional’. Some were standing around as if waiting to be picked, while a few were wrapped around foreigners. I was with a group of Europeans from the UK, and the only Southeast Asian girl, in a crowd which was a different kind of professional, so I was ‘protected’ so to speak by the group identity. But I wondered… if I were out and about alone, would people generally assume something else about me? Like I’m a foreign worker, if I’m in mega dress down mode, or a ‘professional’ or ‘semi-pro’ looking to find an expat husband, or be an expat’s mistress? 

Dubai is an expat-heavy town, but predominantly Europeans / Aussies I reckon (the Malaysian girl said mostly Brits), even though there must also be quite a few Indians in white collar jobs, and potentially other Asians etc too. But given most of the service staff are Southeast Asian, or Africans, and from my recollection, a number of ‘professionals’ were of Asian descent, I probably wouldn’t entirely blame the random person on the street if they made assumptions about me. But at the same time, that would make me uncomfortable. If I’m dating a European ‘expat’, would the assumption be that I’m some kind of skanky gold digger, rather than a perfectly smart, educated woman in my own right? I think that’s a struggle I would have outside of developed nations, or maybe outside of large Western cities. Everywhere in Asia, or even Africa, if you see white man with a local girl, especially if she looks significantly younger, there’s probably an implicit assumption about the arrangement, which is not favorable.

I wonder if some of these are subtle factors in the Malaysian girl’s experiences with men. Do these men subconsciously make assumptions about her? Although it seems like they are part of her social circle, so they would know she’s educated, and has a proper job. But in a superficial, materialistic, transactional, and semi transitional city, maybe it’s easier to keep things unclear, and non-committal, especially if it seems that there are lots of options, particularly if you are willing to lower standards?

I read in Wikipedia, that there are two ways of using “Inshallah” – in a sincere way, it expresses hope for a specific outcome, in the ‘general’ / casual way, it expresses uncertainty, and a kind of “let’s see how goes”. When I say I have a “Inshallah” attitude, I mean it in the latter way, but really, in essence I mean it both ways. I may have hopes for a specific outcomes, but I’ve learnt to be “Buddhist” and zen about it – to not hold hopes and dreams too tightly – lest you crush it. Or be crushed by disappointment. Hence inshallah. To have desires, but be willing to accept having nothing at all. That’s why I’ve been going to the local Chinese temple so much this year, to focus on my hoped for outcomes, pray for family & friends, and then to lightly let it all go. Breathe out the anxiety. Hope for the best, and accept what the universe returns.

A while back, I did a straw poll to ask a few people if they perceive me as more of a negative or positive person. The responses were mixed, and some were kind of interesting… for example, HV said she thought I seemed more negative / pessimistic. I was going to leave it that, because when you ask opinions for, effectively, a normative judgement on you, you don’t want people to feel defensive about their response and feel like they have to justify their answer. Because then they may not answer truthfully in future. But my cousin was curious about the response, so I probed more. Apparently her perception of my negativity was that I seemed to be negative about my abilities, or potentially outcomes (e.g. Hyrox), which comes across as lacking in confidence or pessimistic / negative. Whereas to me, that’s more about expectations management (and also stress management for myself, because I’m very objective oriented), and / or joking self-deprecation. Interestingly Beefcake also once commented that I seemed negative / lacking in self-confidence because I always say “if I can do Hyrox, anyone can”. But I consider that to be 100% true, and it’s meant to be encouraging. 

I actually perceive myself to be a positive person, because I’m Miss Silver Lining – I can always find the silver lining in virtually every bad situation. Even if I am disappointed in outcomes, and will manage to scrape together at least one upside. If nothing else, I chalk it up to a new and hence definitionally interesting life experience. I remember my A levels Art teacher said that he thought that I would still be buoyant and cheery even if I were thrown into a concentration camp. I’m not sure I agree with that, because I don’t think I will do well with starvation and torture… but I guess it was a testament to my energy and positivity? But it’s interesting, that that is not necessarily the impression I give out now. One of my friends said, “I don’t think of you as positive or negative… I think you are quite cynical, but you can be quite cheerful in your cynicism” That’s super spot on! 

I’ve been having occasional bouts of melancholy on this trip, maybe because I’m tired, with my long days walking / sightseeing in the heat, not having enough / quality sleep, and I might be coming down with something. In any case, I’m often a bit melancholic when travelling, particularly when alone. There’s a lot of quiet time for thoughts and reflections. And today has been a particularly long day, with a multi-stage trip home: Doha – Manama, Manama – Abu Dhabi, Abu Dhabi – London.

Watched “Oppenheimer” on the trip back. A very long, but good movie. Great twist in the denouement.