We are at Bryanston School for the 2023 London Suzuki Group International Summer School. I had heard about it soon after I started Big Boy O on the Suzuki programme, and had always wanted to enrol him here when he was older, if he was interested.

I hadn’t realised what a long standing programme it is – today I actually met a mum who used to attend when she was young, and brought her three sons (2 cellists and a violinist) this year! She and her husband are academics who are usually based in the States, but are in the UK on sabbatical this year.

It seems like it will be a pretty jam packed and fun week, and I’m almost wishing I had officially taken the week off. Instead, I will be running around like a madwoman, chaperoning my 2 boys, while trying to be slightly productive at work between sessions and at night.

Today, after swimming, Big Boy O was bouncing around and being hyper when I was trying to wrap them up to bed, so I can start work (in any case, they should also go to bed early as they had woken up at 4am UK time in Romania this morning, to fly back home). And I got a bit frustrated and stressy, and said that they really should go to bed, so I can do some work, because I heard something recently which suggests I’m more at risk (of being fired) than I had thought. And Big Boy O started asking me question, after question, and the next thing I know, I was crying a bit, and he was crying too.

I asked him – why are you crying? And he said, I’m worried about you being fired. And I was like: “Oh don’t worry about it. It’s for me to figure out, not for you to worry about. We’ll figure it out, between Papa and I. You’ll be alright, no matter what. What’s the worst that can happen to you if Mama loses her job anyway?” And he started listing a bunch of things, and I said, none of them are really huge problems, and in any case, he and Baby-F will be taken care of. And did he know that Papa was actually unemployed for a period during COVID, and he wasn’t worried then was he? (He said he wasn’t worried because he didn’t know there was anything to worry about). I said I was very worried and stressed internally, but just didn’t express it. And in any case, things turned out fine.

I told him to not ask so many questions, because it’s him asking all these questions, that result in me giving him more details than he needs to know, that then results in him worrying. When really, all he needs to know, is that he should be calmer and less bouncy, when it’s bed time, or when I need to concentrate for work, because I do have a lot of plates to keep spinning, to maximise my very-precarious job security.

I asked Baby-F, who was not in tears, if he was worried. And he said no. I asked why – is it because he is confident that I’ll manage? And he said, yes. It’s funny how the boys are so similar in so many, but also have these differences in the way they react to things, and express their emotions I guess.

I wonder if I should take more days off, just so that I have an excuse for my lower productivity, and I’m not spending every spare minute trying to catch up on work. Someone said to me that sleep is really critical for mental health.